Tags: Communication , Defensive Behavior , Defensiveness. Is that considered cogitative behavior? Personality disorder? I got a lot of use from your article…Thank you for writing it!. Sometimes I have thought I might be too defensive…now I understand myself even better. Great analysis Sir! I absolutely love the article and relate to it personally.
Can you please email the article to me? Melissalabradodesigns gmail. Thank you. Going through this right now.. And cope with.. I just take the blame ,but the more you yell for them to hear you the more of the manipulation rises and get you railed and anger in yourself..
Thank you very much for this article. Thanks for your comments Robert. It takes personal courage to examine our own behaviors, identify what needs improvement, and committing to a course of action. Good on you! Great article.. Thanks Addressing the comment privately rather than publicly, I think helps reducing Defensiveness. Reblogged this on soniarajeev08's Blog. Reblogged this on Wildmen: Explicating Irrationality and commented: Very helpful.
Reblogged this on cogitations: think twice before u click. Pingback: Defensiveness: kills relationships… — My Love [never ends], thus I am [poly]. Thank you so much for this great insight into defensiveness! I tried to ask him to look at my emotions behind the words, and I encourage him to ask himself what is it that I am really sing of him or need from him.
What are your thoughts? If at all possible, I would suggest you connect with a professional counselor or therapist to help you explore this further. As I mentioned in the article, people react defensively because they perceive they are threatened in some way. What could be threatening to your boyfriend? I cannot be certain though. Maria, you stated that your boyfriend gets defensive even when you use I statements.
It being feelings and behaviors, etc. Only just what you are feeling. I recognize that this reply is 3 years too late.
They are overly sensitive, sometimes for no real reason at all but an overly inflated ego, not humble enough to take constructive criticism, or maybe even a perceived threat that may be only in their head, to the point where they accuse you of thinking and saying things you never even thought or said. I agree that it can be emotionally draining to deal with defensive people.
If we can find out what triggers their defensiveness then we can better understand how to relate to them in more positive ways. What if the trigger Is truth about themselves that they are not willing to admit because it wil all for change, or that they may not be seen in a positive light.
So, they twist and turn the truth saying you said something, or were thinking something you never were. Since when did these simple become mind readers? The defensive one is fine as long as you give them praise and stroke their ego, but as soon as issues become real and call for compromise or change, they shut down, tune you out, or even fall asleep.
Even saying, baby.. These people are just too emotionally immature to handle the truth. Instead of making people studder over their words in attempts not to offend, they themselves just need to understand the human emotion behind what Is being said and suck it up m, acknowledge they play a role in their as well, and ask themselves, What can I do to make the situation better, instead of running away.
Now is not the time to shut down and go hide in a closet with your teddy bear! People will only agree to studder over their words and walk on eggshells for so long! Pingback: conflictions recoveryforeverblog. Pingback: Defensiveness and Conflict — Site Title. Pingback: Reflections on science, defensive behavior — and Easter. Living on the Real World. I am seeing a man we shall call Andy and he gets very defensive when I ask where he works or lives or his daughters name.
I feel abused in all of this. Iv walked away. PS he then goes on to say his daughter and grand kids would be disappointed to know that he was discussing them behind his back. What is going on here. He gets angry at me. Rachel — Secrecy and defensiveness are huge red flags. He is always defensive. I approach as a question most is the time. Most of these questions r a results of his me me actions.
I have been in a relationship for eight years which has just ended. I am a very open person emotionally l wear my heart on my sleeve and l am not worried about being wrong and saying sorry. I can be defensive at times and very frustrated especially with my ex as he was so righteous and always had to be right all the time. He would never take responsibility for anything.
He took it as an affront believing that l never agreed with him which was not the case. I was so exhausted with his defensive angry retort and trying to get my point across that our relationship became so toxic.
I could feel the distance between us growing. I knew there was no way back. I felt sad because l felt we did have a lot in common really. But my nature is quite strong and it made him feel threatened l think. I believe he felt l became his persecuted in the end. Tell you the truth because he was always on his moral high ground maintaining that position of he is right l am wrong l did go all out to challenge him and make him feel as l did.
But really that was the wrong thing to do but l was exhausted by never being listened to. So the relationship is now dead and buried as l know that he will never change. He bears a grudge like you cannot believe, the resentment bitterness well he must be dying inside. So l felt defeated by it all and he walked out.
I have seen him since but nothing much changed so l have told him l want no more contact with him as l need to get on with my life. But l am sad as l do have good memories too. Put it all down to experience and have some alone time and see what life brings me. It can be cathartic to forgive yourself and the other person for doing or not doing things that contributed to the downfall.
Thank you so much for sharing Sandy and thank you Randy for your guidance. Its not easy. I am looking to end the relationship because I believe I deserve better and I need to find myself again and heal too. I prayer and hope that I would have the opportunity to be with someone who I can grow with and feel free again to be truly me and most of all experience love in its purity.
Sometimes I feel like I am the only one going through this but am glad I can identify with someone who has been there and know that there is hope after the storm.. Thanks again. I left a comment when I first found this site June 24th. I really hope this post get published because I have been to share my testimony on how i got my lover back ….
So much is going on right now….. Dr Mack was a great helper when i my Husband broke apart from me but he later came back after i used the service of Dr Mack. I figured he was just always down for a friendly verbal sparring match and he really stuck to his guns when he had a point of view.
Truthfully, I thought that was attractive in the beginning. Naturally, I had no idea just how bad it was at this point. He would make me feel terrible if I had any contrary thoughts. If I ever disagreed with something he said, he would immediately jump on my words. In reality, he was the one doing the bullying. Having productive conversations was impossible. All couples disagree sometimes. The key is being open with your S. Discuss both sides, have a respectful banter if you need to, and come to a decision together.
That was never an option with this guy. Typically, I just gave in because I was sick of fighting, and on the rare occasion I won out, he would be miserable for days afterward. It would often become quite aggressive. He never apologized. No matter how nasty our argument, he would never swallow his pride enough to say sorry to his girlfriend for making her cry last night. We would just move on like the whole incident had never happened, which was often the worse part.
The relationship quickly became manipulative. If you feel yourself become defensive, try to see if you can simply acknowledge it and work through the conflict as honestly and generously as possible. If your partner is giving you criticism that is making you feel defensive, can you express why? It's important that you learn to work through defensive behavior in a relationship because if we don't learn how to deal with our grievances head-on, inevitably we deal with them indirectly.
Most often this surfaces in more toxic forms: by teasing or making snide comments, holding grudges, or by growing more indifferent to our partner over time. We are hardwired for both connection to others and protection for ourselves.
In the first stage of love, when we're infatuated by the freshness and excitement of new romance, we anticipate the best in our new partner. And we're rewarded because each thing they say and do activates the connection center of our brain. We view their actions, intentions, and language through the lens of our positive vision.
As the chemistry of the "honeymoon phase" shifts, a second kind of circuitry emerges, one that is about sustainable connection.
So in times of defensiveness—when your natural self-protection instincts set in—see if you can tap into our naturally coexistent desire to connect. Remember the enduring connection from that first stage of love, and try to access the feelings that first made you predisposed toward generosity and understanding at the outset of your relationship.
When we experience our partner as a threat, we withdraw to protect ourselves from further injury. Yet withdrawal and disconnection are what continue to create trouble. At the heart of our vulnerability lies the feeling that we've been hurt by someone we love.
We may ache for them to "return" and reconnect, yet our behavior is the last thing that would invite them back. So when you least feel like reaching out to connect, take a risk and try it; the results will pay off much more than isolating yourself. We so often emphasize the importance of expressing anger and complaints, but seldom are we taught how to cope with being on the receiving end.
How do you sit calmly and quietly while your partner laments that you're neither emotionally available nor trustworthy? How do you silence your inner-lawyer's constant stream of counterarguments? Ask yourself these questions, and find a way to find inner peace during criticism so you won't react defensively.
Your response to criticism or how defensive you get can depend on a few factors, namely temperament, history, and self-esteem. Keep this in mind for both yourself and your partner; it's always important to remember that we all have a variety of influencing factors when it comes to our behavior.
In regards to defensive behavior, some people are just more prone to it. Some people have nervous systems that respond more frequently and intensely to sensory stimulation. They may have a more exaggerated startle response than other people do, even in the same family. They may often hear themselves described as "too sensitive" or "thin-skinned. Experiment with viewing the situation from different vantage points. We all carry baggage with us from childhood—defensiveness is no different.
If your parents shamed you often and punished you harshly, it's likely that, as an adult, you quickly feel self-protective whenever you see someone upset and angry about something. The reasons for defensiveness are myriad and important to understand, but they don't take away the need to learn how to rewire ourselves away from the impulse to immediately self-protect.
The cost to our intimate relationships when we aren't willing to protest whether out of fear, self-doubt, an impulse to people-please, and so on is that we literally make it impossible for the issues in the relationship to heal. The relationship begins to smolder with resentments that undermine us in ways they wouldn't if expressed freely in the first place. Remember this when you're thinking of burying issues under the rug instead of dealing with them.
Relationships give us opportunities to grow in ways that make us more loving, accepting, and whole.
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